Jury-Rigged BJP Quake Compiler Tools

(2014) ( some of these year numbers are meaningless at this point, due to lots of editing later .. )

This project is currently on hold.

Since it was released, the community response can only be described as "happily ignored".
There was next to no feedback, even though some people initially promised to take a look.
What instead often followed were underhanded snarky remarks on messageboards about encountered problems which had never been reported, hence making it very hard to actually track down and fix them.

Only after a while arrived some feedback by very few people, which still helped a lot
in identifying and fixing problems, some of which not actually stemming from newly introduced features.
This has largely ceased now, even though they knew how feedback-starved this project really was.

Granted, the release-time and feature collision with a well-known toolset likely plays a large role in this.
Work on a lot of features had already been going for a while, most of them lighting related but not moved over to the final codebase yet.
The sudden release of the other toolset pretty much forced a quick release of what was in the main codebase so far, although due to the fact that this was never meant to be a competition project, it was mostly just a test-balloon at that point.

As expected, interest was pretty much nonexistant, and a lot of side-taking and strange propaganda followed,
making it clear that favouritism is still very predominant in this community, and probably always will be.
Only Map Projects seem to be considered for fair treatment as far as feedback is concerned.
If people think it is necessary to put up walls, it makes you wonder where the word "community" fits in, and if what's on the other side was ever really worth caring about.

Initially there were plans to add a lot more features, but why improve something for people who need to feel someone "worthy" enough is making the offering.

Another reason is that the development environment has become too inherently hostile for a while now.
The officially declared "Winners" ( largely by people who don't much care about fair assessment ) started to cherry-pick useful features off, with no communication whatsoever, during active development.

All while they were constantly in contact with the one person ( let's call him "MrX" ( it's easy to guess )) i naively and mistakenly trusted and had opened up to during that time.

This means that they either took advantage of what they were told, or that they had been lied to and not given the full truth about the situation.
In either case, one or both of them knowingly and happily benefitted from the crushing situation, without remorse and with extreme sense of entitlement.

I remember one example in particular where i mentioned a specific technique to "MrX", only to find that technique be tried out days later on a certain someone's Github. Strange coincidences.
Although at that point, MrX already had made pretty clear how false, superficial and untrustworthy he really was.

He only truely cared about himself, while posturing as a "friend who understands" as long as he thought it to be useful.
But he understood absolutely nothing.
Not because things were somehow non-understandable, but because he did not care - while pretending otherwise.
Exactly what you need during one of the worst times in your life. Yet another fake face, just trying to use you.

He was always happy to be helped with his problems, but when it came to the few, very simple, and some of them very important ( which he knew because he had posed as a "friend" ) wishes i had, he ignored them or put them down in other ways.

Instead, he played with the situation.

Like the narcissistic psychopath he is.
All while knowing what was going on, knowing that i was going through hell.

He's the type of person who will happily abuse your trust, no matter how desperate your situation is.
He will throw oil into the flames when nobody is watching - and then act "surprised" and "offended" when you start lashing out from pure pain and desperation and realizing what he really is.
He's the type of person who enjoys seeing such things happen to others. And he knows he is not alone with that kind of pathology in this community.

It's all about what he can get, and nothing more. The faster and easier, the better.
He's the type of person you can desperately tell that you are starving, but he will pretend not to hear properly over the sound of his constant eating.

"I don't know what your problem is." said the Glutton to the Starving Man.

It was much more interesting to him to play the situation as much as possible, than simply trying to help bring some desperately needed understanding.

The perfect example of a false friend. And far worse.

Unless of course, you are someone "important", or someone he can manipulate or gain something from by claiming to be "friends".
Then he will play "friends" with you all day long. But it's not honest, it's just people-using.
The kind of dishonest, hollow connection that i've seen entirely too much of in my life.

He prefers to play a bad situation against someone else, instead of doing what a decent human being would do.

Exactly what you need when your world is falling apart in multiple ways at once.
He also told me how he was on drugs quite a few times when "communicating" with me.
Which is great to hear when you desperately need someone who understands, especially if the person had postured all that time as being "reliable".

You realize a lot about someone, who does such things to others.
Although at that point, his facade of being "a guy you can trust" had already crumbled.

He apparently made sure to only relay certain information to others, while hiding the kind of information that could have brought understanding and prevented more catastrophe.

But why would one tell others that someone is having a brutal time, and feels like he cannot talk to anyone at all, right ?
Much nicer and more useful to simply hide this from everyone, and just try to keep controlling that person in distress, with some tactical lies.
And just watch what happens, with mild curiosity, as that person slips more and more into hell - like a gawker next to a burning car accident.

And so he did.
He also tried to "shine" around others, with certain things he was told - on more than one occasion on func_msgboard.

After he had become sufficiently successful, and knew he didn't need to fool me any more, he also asked me to "never tell anyone that we had ever communicated".
Asking me to lie, just like he did.

It only further showed how false he had been all that time. How little he actually understood. How little he cared. How emotionally blind he was, despite having almost all the information spelled out.

I believe he is a natural liar and manipulator. It's just a game to him.
But i noticed it far too late, because i was already in a traumatic situation ( with another one to follow soon after ), naively thinking that things surely can't get any worse.
But they can. They absolutely can. Especially in this "community".

He's the type of person who finds someone in distress, pretends to "care" to gain their trust, but does nothing to help improve the situation ( unless it directly benefits him ), and actually knowingly makes things worse.
Eventually gets "bored", and then leaves them to their fate after he helped himself to everything he finds useful.

Like finding a car crash, and instead of helping, he just talks, and acts like a "friend" and fake-cares - takes some pictures ( for "inspiration" to use in his works - because he really wants to make a "name" for himself fast ),
takes some things he can use, maybe calls some newfound "friends", to see if they could use some things too, and then leaves when the person stuck in the wreckage notices what is really happening.
Knowingly leaving them to their fate without remorse or care.

That's the kind of person he is.

It does not matter how crushing your situation is, and if you almost spell it out to the letter, out of desperate naive trust - he will only see an opportunity to profit and even take control over you if possible.
He will just watch.
And when it finally does crush you, he will act as if he didn't understand, and be gone very quickly.

Eventually, he will laugh about your pain.

You learn a lot about people when you try to help them towards their dreams, and in return they help push you down further into your nightmares.

During that time i started to read up on why some people are this way, and learnt about topics such as Narcissism and Psychopathy.

In the end, he was just another selfish opportunist who had arrived around a time when things had suddenly become much easier than they had been before.
For example, if you wanted to create complex Quake maps without having to compile for days.

And just like many of the other opportunists, he too didn't care about anyone else, and was happy to walk all over others to get what he wanted - fast.
He only cared about making a name for himself, first and foremost. Of course it didn't matter to him what he destroyed, he just wanted quick, easy success.
A trait that some new programmers also displayed. Extreme entitlement and a total lack of empathy for others.

It was easy to see what they were doing.

There's a limit to watching something you believed in and had high hopes for barely live and ultimately be picked clean by entitled people with no empathy.
When having hope and believing in something has already become an extreme rarity in your life.
To be used and abused in an already crushing situation, by those you mistakenly helped and trusted out of pure desperation.

Anyway, i'm sure this paragraph will make some people real happy.

(2018)
P.S.

All of this has since been ridiculed, but that was not surprising given the core character of this community.
The original idea was to improve tools for people i once mistakenly cared about, in an environment i had foolishly believed to have changed for the better over the years.
It had not.

I have known the Quake community for a very long time as one of the most arrogant, toxic and narcissistic creative communities.
For a moment in time things appeared to have improved, but it turned out to be little more than naive wishful thinking. People don't change.

Between all it's newfound glory, hyperdetailed maps and "god mappers" still sits the same deep arrogance and highly toxic nature that has most likely been there since the very beginning.
It is a deeply cold and self-obsessed place.
The Loud and the Proud do very well in such an environment, as it is in many ways a perfect honeypot for narcissistic tendencies - the resulting culture has been more than proof of that.
Bullying, ostracism, elitism and abuse are just a few things that have always been very real there and attempts at countering them almost nonexistant. You don't talk about abuse club.
Even people who very much tried to improve things for everyone have been treated in ways which made them leave in the end.
It was always worth a laugh for someone, somewhere.
Real empathy is the last thing that can be expected in this environment.

Even, or maybe especially, when you find yourself in a crushing situation there will be no shortage of additional abuse following.
Empathy is an alien concept here, and no matter if you try to help people with their goals, be it making a new editor or giant hyperdetailed maps .. programmers and mappers alike, they will all look for reasons to treat you inhumanely.
The hype is all that counts.
It is very much considered "cool" to be cold in this community.
Always preferring to judge others instead of trying to understand them.
The people who might tell you otherwise most likely have not been in the community for more than 5 years ( as of 2018 ), or may be trying to sugarcoat or obscure the cruelty that they themselves have knowingly and happily been a part of.

Some "salesman" type people came in new, who seem to try and make things appear better than they actually are.
An impressive quote i read was along the lines of "nobody gets left behind here".

I'm just not sure if this was a deliberate lie, that person being too new to the community, or him just not paying attention.
It's a nice one-liner - but the reality is very different.
This community has always been casually cruel without thinking much about it.

But if you're a salesman, the truth is not a primary concern to you.

Every cruelty is possible here. There is no lower limit.

Just a little dehumanization needed, and there's always enough people who will happily come up with some kind of rationalization.
Easy.

In many ways the Quake Mapping Community probably has always been the perfect environment for cruelty.
With many of the "big names" being people who generally don't give a shit about anything unless they can get something out of it, and/or being or having been abusers themselves.
And plenty of people who look up to them and thus accept anything they do.
Many are also very enamored with themes of "darkness" and "evil" - because of the game itself.
Like sick fans who never got the memo that it's supposed to be fiction and not a guide for mistreating real people.

As long as they aren't the target of cruelty, anything goes.

But that's the theme with cruelty, isn't it ?
For the people who employ it, it comes very natural.
Some might even be completely oblivious to what they do to others.
Those without empathy often don't notice that something is missing in them.

And why would they ?
We live in a society that rewards selfishness and greed.
Where cynics think themselves above everything, but it's them who make everything the way it is.
If you believe in a dark uncaring world, you are likely to make that reality for others.

Leave it to the Quake community to emotionally destroy people and think nothing of it, and blame/shame/make fun of them in case they are fighting back. I've seen it happen to multiple people.
Because empathy and simple kindness are such alien concepts to many in this place.

But of course, these things tend to get swept under the rug, as usual in groups where lack of empathy is considered a virtue.
This and "rationalization", is a favourite of people who prefer not to have to inspect the role they played.
Anything that lets people avoid trying to apply an actual humane approach.

Instead, many people here prefer to make a point of their own inhumanity.
Maybe one day they'll get to experience this inhumanity themselves, to finally realize what that means.

But that is generally the theme with "bullying". There's the abusers, and then there's the bystanders, who do and say nothing - but know what is going on.
They are part of it, making themselves complicit.
In a way, it's them who make it all possible in the first place - because they accept it.
I've been through it all before, for many years.

When you are forced through this kind of hell at a young age, you start to see the patterns very clearly, and recognize the types of people who are involved.
You also lose all "patience" for it.

This is also why i will never respect anyone who abuses others. It doesn't matter who you are or what you can do.
Because i know what lies at your core.

The cute little slogan that you hear sometimes : "It Gets Better" - is a lie.
I wanted to believe it for a very long time, i was hoping for it to be true, but it's not.
It only gets better if you're lucky. But there will always be abusers, narcissists, psychopaths, who happily make life hell for other people.
And the bystanders, who will gladly watch, or gladly look away.
No, it doesn't get better - in many ways it actually gets far worse.

Since the game and subsequently the community has shifted back more into the public focus, there have been many attempts at making it appear like a veritable happy place.
But that's not the truth.

Some of the most arrogant, toxic and narcissistic ( implies lack of empathy ) people are still there, making sure their narcissistic supply keeps flowing - as they always have.
The worst haters are still there, the worst Bullies are still there.
( Such a cute word for something so evil and destructive - maybe Abusers would be more fitting ? )

Still there are those who always loved to discourage, minimize, harshly criticize and devalue efforts and ideas of others, even if they just wanted to improve things for everyone.
"Don't want it. Don't need it. Meh."

Ironically ( but unsurprisingly ) they are also now profiting from such improvements, and probably now act as if they were always open to progress.
They just changed their masks, now that the public eye is more on the game again, much more than it had been for a very long time.

But they did their damage to others, happily, probably without thinking much at all, simply trying to exert power over others. When they knew noone wasn't really looking or caring.
Certain people have such a cult of personality around them, they get a free pass for everything. And they love using it.
Especially on those who refuse to join that hollow cult and constantly pander to their ego, like so many others did.

The most toxic people are all still there, cheering each other on.

It's all about the superficial image for them.
And superficiality is what you will find no shortage of here.

The most casual narcissistic abuse and toxic behaviour usually came from people with "big names" in the Quake mapping community.
More often than not, these were people who were luckier than most in many ways - even from an early age - but instead of being thankful and acting the part, it only bloated their already immensely arrogant egos further.
And made them look down on others even more.

It's not really a surprise. Success never required anyone to be a good person.

They themselves most likely never had to deal with the same toxicity they exuded, but still somehow thought it necessary to act like brutal narcissistic gatekeepers - their word being gospel.
Since they have been allowed to shape the cold culture of this community for many years, it only attracted more people who share many of the same narcissistic traits, knowing they will feel right at home.
They care about one thing only : to "shine" and consequently open up easy sources of narcissistic supply for themselves.
No interest in treating others like human beings - that would be too boring, too uncool.
The easy and fast way to "fame" is much more seductive.
Ironically, the ones who had it far easier than many who came before them ( who had to make do with simpler tools, less resources and more constraints ) also ended up quickly becoming some of the loudest and most arrogant.
Maybe helping people who have no frame of reference or take everything for granted is the wrong thing to do after all ..

In such an environment, once you find yourself in a situation that requires simple understanding or basic empathy, you will realize that human coldness is not limited by absolute zero.

This is a place where the fortunate prey on the unfortunate, where you have to be part of a very exclusive clique just to be considered a human being.

A place shaped by arrogant cynics who, despite having everything go their way, still managed to complain almost on a daily basis about how their lives are not going quite perfectly enough.
Meanwhile people who actually had to go through real struggles were unable to talk about it, knowing they would only be judged, or even ridiculed, and not find any kind of basic understanding.

I noticed fairly quickly that many people in this "community" are on the extreme low end of empathy.
The mistake i made was, after many years, thinking that this had changed.
It has not.
If anything the whole experience has only further confirmed something i learned early on in life ..

People are Monsters.

Maybe i will write a more detailed post about all of this at some point.

(2022)
P.P.S.

To some people in this community, who always were happy to make ( or help make ) the world a living hell for others, especially if they deemed them as "unworthy" or otherwise below them :
I hope your personal hell comes true for you one day, and stays for many years.

I hope that, when you desperately need some simple understanding, and people you can really trust, because you feel absolutely disconnected - life sends you narcissistic psychopaths instead, who you never met before.
The type that throw themselves at others, and play "nice" immediately, but are extremely insincere and false, and ultimately only look for ways to manipulate others for maximal personal gain.
The type that only tells people what they assume they want to hear, happily lies, and plays people against each other without remorse or empathy.
The type that sees people as objects to use and manipulate.
But you will realize this too late.
Whom you trust out of pure desperation and naivety, hoping that life can't be so cruel and actually make things even worse, right ?
Oh, it can.

It will be people who only truely seek to help themselves and others take advantage of your situation.
Who act as if they care and understand, that they are trustworthy, only to manipulate you better and get what they want.
Playing a crushing situation against you, isolating you even more, most likely lying to everyone about what they knew, instead of simply trying to prevent more unnecessary damage.
And they will lie to you as well, to control you and to get what they want.
All they truely care about is getting help taking their personal shortcut to success.
People who build their heaven on your hell.

Who then act very surprised and even mock you when you start to finally lash out due to pure pain and desperation, realizing what they are actually doing.
Their masks will come off, eventually.
You will realize that they have no capacity for empathy at all.

People who are preoccupied with trying to "blow people's minds", but are actually simply profiting from things having become vastly easier and faster than they had been for most Quake1 mappers up to that point.
People who even think that it gives them extra cool points by casually bragging about their hard drug habits in conversations and on forums.

I hope that you will find yourself in an unsafe, cold, brutally judgemental and uncaring environment, like the one you made a reality for others.
Where cruelty is normalized, rationalized, hand-waved away and/or laughed about.
A place where people are proud of being arrogant, cold and indifferent.
I hope that you lose most of the things that you loved, things that made life bearable for you.

With no support, and no-one to talk to who seems capable of understanding.
And everything that brought you hope, that could potentially save you, your creative outlets, poisoned - possibly forever.

I hope that you get to experience the hell that you forced others into, for no reason other than your own pure arrogance and complete lack of empathy.

I hope that the world treats you with the same cruelty that you treated others.
With the same judgemental contempt, the same shallow arrogance, the same cold indifference, the same hate.
I hope it dehumanizes you in the same way you dehumanized others.
Every cruelty that happens to you should be rationalized, justified and accepted by others, instead of simply prevented - just like you did.

So that you finally realize what that means.

I hope you personally experience what Trauma and Major Depression is, and what they can do.

And if not to you, maybe you get to witness these things happen to someone you love or care about ( if you are even capable of such a thing ).

It probably won't give you any capacity for empathy, but it may finally give you some perspective.
You deserve it.

(2022/a)

To the people who showed some kindness and treated me and others like human beings :
Thank you, You made it possible to breathe in a suffocating environment.

Something i noticed back then was, that it was mostly people who were "older" than the others, who were much more humane.
I'm not sure if it might be a generational thing, or people just getting wiser as they age.
Or .. completely coincidental, and them simply being more empathic individuals.

Age itself can't be the easy answer though, as later there were some older people coming new into the community, who displayed no empathy at all.
Who were very preoccupied with making a show about themselves, and trying to appear as "rock-stars" as much as they could, while trying to squash those they didn't see as "worthy".

To those who find it amusing or acceptable ( or especially sick and dehumanizing : somehow inspiring ) when other people fall into traumatic events :
I hope it happens to you one day, and you too get no basic understanding, and no real help whatsoever.
Instead you get used and abused more and more for no reason at all.
Then you will finally get a taste of the world that you stand for.

This community has a history of cold abuse.
I've witnessed and experienced it for almost 10 years before it became too much, because i had mistakenly thought you might have changed. I was wrong.
Abusers and their enablers don't change. Narcissists don't change.

You always enjoyed making fun of or ignoring people who were in obvious distress.
Even mocking someone having lost their mother was not below some of you.

This place always felt like a horrible version of high-school culture, especially the way people were treated. With the emotional maturity of 16 year olds.
But trying to act like a 16 year old forever doesn't make you remain "young" or "cool" - it makes you remain an immature asshole, who will most likely do real damage to others sooner or later.

This is a place where people talk ABOUT others, instead of simply TO them.
Until it is too late and preventable damage has been done.
Where many just love to judge, but never try to understand.

It's actually interesting, how a lot of people who create things for an abstract "other person" ( aka "the player" ), are so unable or unwilling to put themselves into the shoes of others and understand their perspective.
That would require empathy.

But it's not about that anyway, is it ? It's never about others. It's always just about your ego.

(2022/b)

I know i'm not really a human being in the eyes of some of you.
That's actually a main feature of Narcissism, the ability to completely dehumanize others.
"It's just the Internet LOL" has always been an extra excuse for you, to be as cruel as you wanted to be, without remorse or even thinking about it.
I'm sure you've always played "the nice guy" in real life, while abusing others to your heart's content in the virtual world - using it as your personal hate playground.
But the damage you caused is real. You did it to real people. Which in turn had negative ripple effects in yet more lives, of which you are oblivious.
This is who you really are.
Of course, if you're a narcissist, that's fine for you.

I know there are some very real narcissists in this community.

I did absolutely nothing to any of you, at least not before everything finally became too much to tolerate.
Those were reactions to people who somehow felt the need to make an already pitch black situation even darker, or even to brutally take advantage of it.
Some of whom i knew for many years, and even liked and tried to support in the past .. everything is so meaningless in this place ..
Nothing can be trusted except everyone's pure self-interest.

I did nothing to you. I tried to be positive most of the time, even if nobody remembers.
Some of you even seemed like "friends" after a while - which was probably never the case from your perspective.
Just something that occurs automatically after being around the same people for so long.
I don't know. Maybe it's better not to know. Maybe the truth is far more sinister.

I have heavy social anxiety and crippling depression for most of my life, and life just keeps confirming that i have them for good reason.
Funny enough, these originate from social traumata like betrayal, ostracism and bullying early in life, often by "friends".
I guess some things just keep repeating over and over again, no matter what.

Especially the depression has become far worse than it ever has been, since this wonderful mix of nightmares happened. With no end in sight.
As for the anxiety - i withdrew from 90% of all contact that i still had since then. Probably as part of the traumatic stress reaction.
Which is a dark joke in itself. But the fewer people you mistake for friends, the fewer can let you down.

In a sense it has always been people like you, who cause others to develop things like social anxiety in the first place.
The unthinking, shallow, uncaring, emotionally blind ones - who can only judge, because they are incapable of understanding.
The bystanders, the enablers, the ones who just stand by and watch, saying nothing - accepting it, normalizing cruelty. You are complicit.
And of course the ones who derive a sick kind of joy from making or knowing that other people suffer. You deserve the worst.

I wanted to be gone a long time ago, but there are some ( very few ) people still left, who don't deserve more darkness in their lives.

But whatever. You do not care about topics like mental health, depression etc. - at all.
The way i have always known you, for almost 10 years before all of this happened, and the way everything went afterwards, is more than proof for that.
For you, all of this is just weakness, and nothing more.
And for some of you, it has always been a juicy target. Something to take advantage of.

Some of you played your role very happily, in pushing other people deep down into depression.
And subsequently you had a very dark influence on the lives of others and those around them.
You never minded. It's all the same to you.

Because it simply isn't in you to try and approach things humanely.

Maybe when you see a chance to posture and virtue signal, will you act as if you care.
But you absolutely do not care. You actually rather enjoy watching people break apart.
Instead of being human. Instead of noticing what is going on. Because you're far too busy being "gods".
And then you do what you have always done - you judge.

I bet some of you like to act all concerned, when certain celebrities leave prematurely - and then become "experts" on the topic for a few days afterwards.
But you truely do not care. People like you are part of the problem. You will gladly let anyone go into the darkness, especially those you see as "unworthy".

People learn this quickly, especially men. It is well known that talking about these things as a man, is considered weak.

"Maybe they should have talked to someone ?" - I did, for once - and it turned out to be the wrongest type of person. It made everything far worse instead of better.

"Who could have known ?" - Everyone who doesn't have a habit of ignoring the signs. In fact, you can practically scream into the world and people will act as if they do not hear.

"Maybe they should have seen a professional ?" - I did, for a long time. But they cannot fix the brokenness in people around you.

So in case i ever find the courage to do it, i'm just leaving this here. Just so that the above questions are answered.

There are many things you won't ever know or realize, even though they may have been very obvious. But you don't care either way.

You can judge me, i know you do. Some of you were always quick to judge, without having all the information, or simply ignoring / not understanding important parts of it.

But don't be surprised if you too get judged, when you're going through the worst time of your life yet, slowly getting crushed by multiple traumatic events at once.
Surrounded by people who coldly judge, or even manipulate and use you, instead of understanding what is actually happening.
When you feel that everything and everyone is against you, and every choice you can make looks like the wrong one - locked in - unable to move - with no support.

Getting ostracized by people you knew for years, people you helped in the past, people you cared about or thought highly of, showing you who they really are.
Acting like you don't exist. As if they never knew you.

When your world falls apart just because you desperately needed something that can give you some hope back, doing something positive for and with others.
But instead it all blows up in the worst way imaginable.
Meanwhile a nightmare you never knew you had becomes unchangeable reality on top of it all.

A few people i feel bad about having ever written certain things to, one person in particular.
He didn't deserve that, never did anything wrong to me.
I hope you know who you are.

Most of the others i definitely do not feel bad about having given a tiny mirror for themselves.
It was overdue for some of them.

Some who i had known for years to be condescending and arrogant towards others, who always enjoyed to talk arrogantly and contemptuously about things that others do.

Others who came in at a time that was conventient for them, when tools had become much less time-consuming for certain tasks, making certain steps far easier to iterate.
Who had a "big name" already, and industry experience, but instead of acting like it - they just tried to dictate what's good, and what isn't, without any kind of empathy.

While complaining on social media that their own projects did not get enough recognition ( which was not even true ), they had no problems to step on the neck of others.

They further confirmed that this community was not a truely "open" one, where people ( other than mappers, who always had a much higher status by default, and think themselves above "non mappers" ) can contribute without fear of upsetting some of the self-proclaimed "gods".
No, this community is one where a select few like to pick favourites and try to dictate the way to go.

Because they have long forgotten where they were coming from. Then again they probably think they were always perfect, even way back when.

As always in this community, if you have a "big name" - you get a free card for anything you do, and any kind of toxic behaviour is acceptable.
They also have many flying monkeys who will "protect" them from any criticism.
Narcissists are known to respect other narcissists, because they normalize each other's behaviour.

Who needs a moral compass if you are surrounded by people who happily mistreat, abuse and dehumanize as they see fit, right ?
If others do it, if they tell you that it's "OK" - then it can't be wrong, right ?

People who do not believe in fairness for everyone, but instead preferred to make destructive comments whenever they could.
People who clearly showed their lack of empathy and disdain for others. Usually these were the same ones who always try to appear "perfect", and love having others admire them.
Back then i wasn't sure what this combination of traits was, but i know now what it is called - and the signs are all there.

When people without empathy and compassion reinforce each other, and cheer each other on, the worst horrors become possible.
Just look at history. Just look at the world right now.

The things i wrote to them only happened after a long while, after many attacks, increasingly unfair treatment and bullying tactics, and people openly taking advantage of the situation - in an environment that never showed that people can speak up about issues without being beaten down even more.
While trapped in a crushing situation that had become constantly worse, despite actually reaching out about it to someone. Someone who only truely cared about what he can get out of it.

Only purely superficial things exist in this community. There is little humanity to be found.

This is the culture you made, toxic and uncaring. You stand for this.

I'm not really surprised about the casual devaluation that happened, just by who it came from. Devaluation instead of providing fair and constructive feedback, as you would expect in a healthy creative environment.
Devalueing the efforts of others was always a favourite of certain people, who like to believe they know everything so much better, and see themselves as generally quite the perfect human beings.

Happy to create hostile and toxic environments for others, while they would never accept the same for themselves.
It's interesting how many of the same people worked, or are working, in the games industry. I really believed once that this would make someone act more professional and respectful towards others.
So naive. Apparently it makes some people simply much more arrogant and judgemental. Maybe playing politics is the main skill one learns there.

One example was especially ironic. Someone who worked on a game based on a person not being able to finish their creative endeavours.
And yet it was no problem for him to throw harsh, and very superficial criticism towards the work of someone else, adding his brick to a wall of hostility.
Instead of trying to give constructive feedback instead.
An attempt to devalue and discourage, to attack something someone else was doing, nothing more.
Is that irony ? Or already hypocrisy ? I thought highly of some of you once .. but i know you better now.

But it's not the only ugly irony of this community.
People who i've gotten to know early on to be extremely arrogant, condescending, hateful and "elitist", and loved to have cults of personality created around themselves - worked on games where the Enemy are Nazis.
One of history's prime examples of what hubris, a brutal lack of empathy, "elitism" and cults of personality can enable.

I've known this person to be quite close to that sort of mindset. Very arrogant, always enjoying to look down on the "unworthy" and letting them feel it. Trying to single them out.

Only really caring about those he considered "worthy", or who happily kissed his ego as much as possible.
He always liked to put people and things down with sarcasm and be passive aggressive, because he thought that makes him somehow "deep" - and for the longest time i chalked that up to him just being a massive asshole.
But now i know that these are actually known traits of narcissism.

It's also quite ironic to constantly announce having an orientation that was wrongfully shunned and oppressed for a long time in the world - but then having no problems with being part of an oppressing environment yourself, just for different reasons.
He liked to make sure that some people felt that they "don't belong".

Then again, maybe some things are just mentioned to appear even more "special" than everyone else - as another way to feed your narcissism.
I guess if you choose to nickname yourself after an alignment of planets, it already implies that you think yourself quite magically special.

That likely also gave people the illusion of being "accepting and inclusive", while they were very much the opposite in many ways.
Being exclusivist was always a favourite here.

It was never about equality. Certain people were always treated more equal than others.

"Elitism is good." - Just a quote by a person with a "big name" here.
It confirmed and underlined how some people think in this place, and how they like to see themselves.
You destroyed much more than you improved with this, but of course you prefer to ignore that.

Another person, who i mistook for a friend for many years, and had shown support for when it came to some of his projects - kind of said the truth about this place, seemingly by accident.

Trying to rationalize what happens ( a favourite "alternative" to simply treating people fair and humanely ), he said that this place was "kinda like Valve".
If you look up some reviews of Valve on GlassDoor.com, you find mentions of a toxic culture of "Cliques, Backstabbing and Politics" that feels like a worse version of high school.
With no safety for anyone but the "higher ups".
So yes, he is actually right. Props to him for saying the truth, likely by accident.

Except at Valve, you at least get compensated for all the emotional abuse that is forced on you.

One thing i learned in this place is, that it's not usually the people who had to go through hard times, who turn out to be the most hateful and cold.
It's mostly the ones who got what they wanted, who got lucky - sometimes early on. They let everything go to their heads quickly and grew immensely arrogant and toxic egos as a result.

They were always the ones who showed the least empathy, and just sought to be admired all the time while openly or passive-agressively expressing their hate towards others.
Especially towards those who refuse to join in on the constant mindless ass-kissing contest.

If you have too many of such people in a community, they will shape the culture of it, for the worse. It poisons everything.
Because those who look up to them, see what kind of behaviour their "heroes" normalize, and start to think that it's OK to be a toxic asshole - as long as you're good at what you do.
The fish always stinks from the head.

It's always the ones who know the least about the darkness, who are happiest to push others into it.

The only people who ever truely impressed me in life were those who showed that they have a heart, who showed real empathy and compassion, and could understand what others might be going through.
They are the truely rare ones.

Not the ones who constantly try to show how incredibly good they are at something, desperately trying to prove the size of their brain-penis to the world.

Belittlement of ideas, and attempts at intimidation by some of the "big boys", are probably the first memories i have from this community.
Exactly what you need when you are arriving fresh from a long lasting bad experience and are just looking for something positive.

I originally came here with plans to improve certain things, but what does that make you, if you try to do something good for extremely arrogant people who love to be "edgy" and abusive, and act generally hostile for no reason ?
Why do positive things for negative people ?

No creative community should work like a street gang where you have to "prove yourself" just to be treated like a human being.

I had known other creative communities at the time that were far more open and friendly, and they flourished, while the people in this one were wondering why "nobody maps for Quake".
Yes, very strange ..

I wasn't the only one thinking this, and saw it happen later on multiple times again, when others tried to improve tools and editors, but were driven away because something was not "perfect" enough for the most arrogant and loud members of this community.

Some promising things were sabotaged or destroyed that way.

Certain "game changing" improvements that already existed decades earlier were apparently even ignored on purpose. Not very surprising though, unfortunately.

I'm not proud of any of this. If you think i write these things when i'm doing "well", you're very mistaken.
It's a sign that things are cracking again.
This is usually caused by outside triggers related to all this, which i desperately try to avoid for years.
But sometimes they get through.

I know now that there will be some major ones coming up sooner or later that i won't be able to avoid due to how the internet hype machine and the internet works ..
I'm not sure what will happen then.

I've been mentally at my worst for years now, since all of this happened - and it doesn't seem to improve.
These kinds of triggers make it worse every time.
Maybe someday it will all magically fall off of me, one way or the other.

It's funny, after losing someone to cancer, i'm starting to really see the analogy.
This really does start to feel like a cancer that is not physical. One that has spread on many things that once could give me hope. Warping and transforming them. Or making them inaccessible.

All of that could have been prevented .. by applying a little bit of humanity and understanding when it mattered.
But of course, it was too much to ask - especially here.

I'm not surprised. I had known you for almost 10 years at that point.
The way everything went, it just fits the pattern of cynicism, coldness, arrogance and lack of empathy that was always very noticeable.
It really just confirms that many of you are exactly how you appeared to be, when i first met you many years ago.

The mistake i made was trying to believe "in the good in people", and over the years among you, thinking that maybe i was wrong and things had improved.
But evidently, that wasn't the case.
Some people here are very in tune with their anti-social nature. Probably even proud of it.

Dehumanization is simply how you do things. Your default. It's what you do best.
It's who you are.
Putting people on pedestals is just another manifestation of it.

You could only act according to your own nature.
Because of this, you couldn't help but prove that you are monsters.
I wonder if you actually realize this. But that would require the ability to take the perspective of other people.

You're monsters. In the worst sense of the word.

Arrogant, self-obsessed, cold. No empathy.

Some of you are likely very aware of what you are, and what you happily do to others.
Probably even proud of it.

Most likely you have been like this all your life. Cold and hollow. Uncaring. Unthinking.

You stand for a cold world.

I hope you get to live in that kind of world, and get treated that way yourself.
But it seems more probable, that you have absolutely everything you need, and more.

If you ever wonder why the human world is cold, dark, uncaring and infinitely superficial - take a look in the mirror.
It's people like you who make it that way.

Many of you will let any type of cruelty take place, or join in on it, as long as it doesn't happen to you.
You just love to see these things unfold and file them under "drama", good to tickle your cynical boredom for a few seconds.
Schadenfreude is very characteristic for some of you.

Most likely you'll just use it as an excuse to look down on others even more, and see yourselves as even more superior.
Instead of simply treating them like human beings.

Hiding your highly fragile egos behind fake walls of "perfectionism".
These are all hallmarks and proof of a deeply toxic culture.

Maybe one day you will find yourself at the receiving end of traumatic events and harsh cruelty, getting slowly crushed - with no way out, surrounded by false and uncaring people.
I hope you remember then, how you treated others who were in that situation.

"Treat others like you want to be treated."
You've obviously made your choice in that regard. Maybe you'll get your wish.

Some of you would benefit and learn a lot from going to psychotherapy once in a while.
That way you might learn about the basic needs of human beings, because you still don't realize these things yourselves, or think them unique to only you - or maybe that only you are "worthy" of them.

Or maybe it will take you until your 50s or 60s ( or more, if at all ), when you have had enough "life experience", or finally decide that it would look good on you if you started to "act wise" - to realize that, indeed, people don't enjoy to be treated like shit.
And never needed to be.

Strange thought to some of you, i know. An "epiphany" even, at least 30 years late compared to many other people who understood this before you.
But it won't matter. You never honestly cared. You were always proud of your own willful ignorance.
The damage you have done at that point is, of course, long in effect. And you know it.

Of course, it's also possible and very likely you always knew this, and just mistreated people to your advantage, happily, for fun, on purpose.
Because you never learned how to get what you need without taking something away from others.

Maybe at that point, you may realize some other things as well. Things that could have been realized by either having empathy, or simply reading between the lines.

You just couldn't treat others humanely, because that's just not who you are.

I learned a lot about the modern games industry in this place over the years - and it cost me most of my faith in it all.
I used to look up to game developers of the 90s, but i feel that kind of environment is gone.
That was a different generation, one that still remembered what it means to be human and treat others that way too.

This has been slowly replaced by generations of highly arrogant, entitled, cynical, toxic people.
Who desperately want to be seen as perfect "Machines". And also act and feel that way.
Cold and uncaring. No humanity.

It's a shame that some of you work on games ( an escapism ) that sell the illusion of the player fighting against "evil" in dark and oppressive worlds, when you yourself have absolutely no problem of being part of an evil and oppressive environment for others. Ironic.

For many of you, all of this is just about your ego.

You like to place down monsters, for the player to fight .. but the real monsters are you.

I used to believe for a long time that creative people were somehow more empathic, because the first people i knew in life who were highly empathic also happened to be very creative.
But i was wrong.

I learned from my experiences here and in other places, that creativity does absolutely not correlate with empathy at all.
It even seems that the opposite is true.

Many of the "creative" people i've met online over the years in this field were incredibly selfish and self-centered, highly ego driven, and borderline ( or quite obviously ) narcissistic with a very low capability of actually understanding or being concerned about others at the most basic level.
Many just love to admire themselves and what they can do, and try to get admiration from others as much as possible.

Many also see the internet as nothing but their personal dopamine dispenser, via remote admiration or otherwise.
And at the same time they see it as a place where "anything goes", and happily abuse and mistreat other people without even thinking about it - dehumanizing for fun.
The perfect playground for narcissists and similar monsters.

Always about the "fame" or something else that they can get, never about the responsibility.
If someone gets damaged in the process, then it's "just the internet, LOL".

(2022/c)

I've watched the most humane, good-natured, compassionate person i will probably ever know, succumb to a horrific fate over the course of months, while seeing some of the absolute coldest, arrogant and selfish ones, who have zero concern and understanding for others, continually live their dreams for many years.
It's the contrast that rips you apart.
Karma does not exist in this world.

( So don't worry - you'll keep doing just fine, you'll keep getting what you want. There's no need for you to become a decent human being. No need to grow a conscience. But you know that already. )

He showed me what people could be like, if they tried only a little bit. If they honestly cared.
But instead, many people choose to, or are brought up to be the polar opposite of that.

It feels like the Zombie Apocalypse has already happened .. the Walking Empathically Dead are absolutely everywhere.

He used to believe in others, tried to see the good in everyone - and for the longest time i thought he was right, and tried to approach things in a similar way, even though i had every reason to distrust others.
But now i'm not so sure.
Maybe he was wrong after all.

Maybe there is no reason to care any more, because the amount of people who appear to be completely emotionally and empathically blind, extremely entitled, arrogant, ruthless, and simply go for the most egotistical and cut-throat route, has become an avalanche.

In this world, the monsters tend to "win", because that is all they truely care about.

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